The quotes thread

[Diarmuid]

Post funny, amusing, interesting, bizarre and unusual quotes. Preferably originals, but famous/tv ones will do (at a push). I'll start off with some of my favourites from inter-railing:

Shane - "What flavour are these, _Arse?"

Donncha - "It's one of Germany's biggest attractions" *pause* Rob - "But we're not in Germany, we're in Bavaria"

Shane - "Dónal, for God's sake, that's not a toilet!"

Parker - "Invaluable? So not valuable?"

Me - "Well if you curse in your sleep, you probably shouldn't sleep with children..."


PS - Curse filter could be an issue here Rob, get on it...

[Tom]

It's come to this so? I guess I'll have to move bash.org here so...

To that end:

<FuseGirl> life is like a toilet roll, when it's near the end, you panic

<TheMiNd> It has been decided that Thomas the Tank Engine is a veiled attempt at exposing children to communist ideals
<TheMiNd> Are you familiar with the show?
<ftr> TheMiNd: i am familiar with thomas the tank engine. why is it communist?
<TheMiNd> ftr: keep in mind that when you watch this crap over and over at work every day... it gets bad.
<TheMiNd> Anyway. Two rich people on the island. Sir Topham Hat and Mr. Percival. They and the drivers control everything the engines do.
<TheMiNd> The majority of the Island of sodor's transportation and freight is via rail. So the populace (and the engines) can only go where the ruling class allows them to.
<TheMiNd> Mr Percival, however, can go wherever he wants, because he has a bicycle. (and a guy that holds it for him when he's not riding)
<TheMiNd> The trains are brainwashed so that they are only happy when they are being "Really Useful" ... working.
<TheMiNd> They work all the time, getting no benefit from their labors. Sir Topham hat gets all that benefit, and he lives in a castle
<TheMiNd> The trains are given tasks that encourage infighting amongst them, so that they can never unite against their oppressors.
<TheMiNd> The freight cars represent the Proletariat. They are unable to move anywhere without an engines help, and usually try to cause trouble for the trains.
<TheMiNd> We were really bored.
<ftr> TheMiNd: this is possibly the greatest thing i have ever heard

<thursday-> who invented lol
<thursday-> do they get royalties

[Rob]

"Diarmuid, are you familiar with the phrase...?"

[Tom]

<BurntAsh> i just know the shit has officially pissed me off beyond belief, ive had it up to here ^ with that place screwin with me
<@tmbg> BurntAsh: three words:
<@tmbg> Rocket Propelled Grenades

[ ctr] damn the sun is really bright

<AnimeMan> my bed is evil.
<norad> how so?
<AnimeMan> it's a spy.
<norad> how can a bed be a spy?
<AnimeMan> well at night.. it squeeks.
<AnimeMan> It's as if it's telling my mum, "he's masturbating, he's masturbating!"

[maxwell]

I am fairly well known around my circle of friends for being exceedingly metrosexual. I obsess over my appearance and occasionally have spa weekends and get manicures. It has led to speculation (and even accusations) about my sexuality. I once saw fit to defend these allegations with a clear and pronounced

"I'm not gay! I'm just fabulous."

This was at least six months ago. I am still tortured over it to this day.

[Shane]

Donal when asked about the colour of his ipod:
"Purple is like pink only manly."

[donal]

*rob asks Diarmuid to take the extension lead out from under the bed in Berlin Hostel*
Diarmuid: I can't get it out, its nailed to the wall!
Parker: Thats what she said

Also Parker: "Mudd man, are you familliar with the phrase "A kitkat too many is a pie too few"?

[Rob]

Apr 4, 2009 21:29:41 GMT donal said:

*rob asks Diarmuid to take the extension lead out from under the bed in Berlin Hostel*
Diarmuid: I can't get it out, its nailed to the wall!
Parker: Thats what she said

I can't remember this. And yet...Post of The Day.

[Tom]

<guest> u kno what rules
<guest> introducing girls to pot
<yesue> no lie
<guest> u smoke pot alone with a girl for the first time
<guest> there is a 250% chance of getting laid

[@sekt]: They say that when you play a Microsoft CD backwards you can hear demonic voices...
[@sekt]: But that's nothing - When you play it forwards it installs Windows.

<Pikaben> Dude. I just heard my little sister shout "I'm not naked!".
<Pikaben> Should I go check what's going on?

[Aonghus]

XD THat first one is epic.

<Victorian_Skunk> Is there a new virus going around? My Windows has suddenly changed to another language! I think it's Croatian.
<Dan> You Got Serbed!

[Tom]

@ Aonghus: Innorite!

<Inflex> Oh my lord
<Inflex> This is so wierd.
<Inflex> In fact, it's wack.
<Noonan> what is
<Inflex> Non engineering classes.
<Inflex> They're like 40% chicks.
<Noonan> heheh
<Noonan> sometimes more
<Inflex> It's so fucked up.
<Inflex> When I walked in, I thought I was in a bar.
<Noonan> hahah
<Noonan> Welcome to the real world
<Inflex> This new world scares me.

<kRadD3ViL> fUk1n n0n-31337 h4x0rz! t4lk l1k3 n00bZ!!!!
<evildewr> hey, i used to speek like that.. but it don't make you leet with women
<kRadD3ViL> WhY u s4y d4t n00b?
<evildewr> cuz my girlfriend dumped me for using numbers when we communicated
<kRadD3ViL> u h4d a g1rlfr13nd? fuk1ng 31337!!!!! g1rls s0und 1337!

<Unhealthy_Hobo> i like, so have to stop saying 'like' and 'so'

[Kweeva Velva]

I have the best one from my mother.
I was late for my maths mocks because of this bus drivers' protest thing so I called my mother, but nothing could be done.
She texted me this:

Foot worry love its not yous fault and it is only the mocks not the seal thing x x

[Tom]

^ hahaha I remember that one... ^

<blazemore> linux gives good blow jobs
<MadHatter> I thought your moms name was nancy?

<oktane> whoa. I just took a shit the width and length of my arm. when it splashed down, it hit my ballsack and I had to take a shower again. Im dead serious.

<RangerRick> wireless means never having to say, "AFK, bathroom"

[Rob]

So, here we go. The quotes from my Facebook page. I'll probably add more as I go along.

Probably my favourite quotes ever and the collective mantra I live by:

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." --James Dean

"A man is only truly free in his dreams. It has always been thus, and thus it will always be." -- Richard Keating in 'Dead Poets Society'


A nice one from everyone's favourite time-traveller and alien fearer:

"The first man to raise a fist is the first man to run out of ideas." -- H.G. Wells


How I feel about religion:

"Basically ... out of all the ridiculous religion stories which are greatly, wonderfully ridiculous—the silliest one I've ever heard is, 'Yeah ... there's this big giant universe and it's expanding, it's all gonna collapse on itself and we're all just here just 'cause ... just 'cause'. That, to me, is the most ridiculous explanation ever." - Trey Parker


Motivation from Superman:

"At first, so many of our dreams seem impossible, then improbable and then when we summon the will...they become inevitable." -- Christopher Reeve


A nice little quote from Lois & Clark (of which there are many):

<H.G. Wells: What's the matter, my dear?

Lois: Oh, you've been to the future, Mr. Wells. Is it true what Tempus said about me?

H.G. Wells: Oh, yes. You're as highly-revered as any woman in history.

Lois: Oh, no, I meant about being galactically stupid.

H.G. Wells: No, no, no, Miss Lane, not stupid. Blind. It is one of the many things that makes your story so timeless. Why children never tire of hearing it at bedtime. Why parents never outgrow it. Generation after generation, we are all blinded by love, Miss Lane. Especially that one great love that changes us forever.>


And finally, a short and sweet collection of words that have helped me get past one of the toughest things I've had to deal with in a long time:

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." --Author Unknown

[Tom]

<isocat> onion headlines make me laugh out loud, even if i have my cock in my hand

<Freaky> y'know what i don't get...
<ButtMcFloyd> laid?

<hahacornut> I need visual aids for my presentation tomorrow
<Narcissus> go to visual africa

[Rob]

Also, I should mention that Common People is in itself, one of the greatest quotes, ever.

I am gay for that song.

[Tom]

<Rance> the mating ritual has begun... i fixed her cable modem, she was impressed. *flex*

<Nydus> hey whatsup
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> ok...
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> dude whats wrong with you
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> i just wanna talk
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> you know, a rumor is going around that you are...
<Zoom> GAY
<Zoom> CRAP

<Japhro> two lovers, making sweet love. sure one may be a tentacle monsterm and the other is a screaming, bleeding, 14 year old girl. but love prevails and finds a way.

^Oh Japanese tentacle pr0n... when will you learn...

[Kweeva Velva]

I have a feeling you'll appreciate this, Tom.

[Aonghus]

:roflmao

[Tom]

@kweeva: You know I appreciated it!

@aonghus: My eyes! My ey... All Hail Hypnocrotch!

<Fly_kEaT> ok so what time now in russia?
<amsea_> 17:06
<Fly_kEaT> am or pm?

<Meph|st0> Complaint : BOUGTH IT FOR MY COUSIN WHO HAD CANCER, ITEM NEVER ARRIVED AND MY COUSIN DIED
<Meph|st0> thats the greatest ebay feedback i have ever seen

<drano> i need to go to sleep soon, i was late for school this morning
<Wyatt> being late rules.
<furandfx> periods
<furandfx> the only place being late does not rule

[Aonghus]

rofl?

[Tom]

<factorial_nine> "Male masturbation is a personal turn off for me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who doesn't masturbate, even while he's single."
<factorial_nine> GOOD LUCK, BITCH.

<MixieArmadillo> hahaha
<Mnementh4> if you tell me, I will have to commit sepuku
<MixieArmadillo> is that anything like oragami?
<Mnementh4> more messy, but the concept is basically the same

<Volt9000> here's something really mean to do to a random fat person on the street: if you're approaching them from the front, as you get near, start drifting towards them, going "woooaaaH' then start circling around them, screaming "I CANT BREAK ORBIT, CAPTAIN!!"

[donal]

The caption on an email before its was opened:"Maintain your weight, amputate.."
as cracked.com put it, proof that all rhyming advice isint necessarily good advice

[Aonghus]

A clasic from Dad's Army:

Captain Mainwaring: 'Now you must be vigilant, men. Remember the old saying; "For want of a nail, a shoe was lost. For want of a shoe, a horse was lost. For want of a horse, the battle was lost".'

Jonesy: 'Hence the saying, "Keep yer hair on".'

[Tom]

|MallBrat[essay]| :"I remember the first time I jacked off. I thought I invented it. I looked down at my handful of junk and thought, 'I'm gonna be rich.''

<kmad> today, me and jake were playing tennis
<kmad> this mom with her son, like 11 years old, were watching us play
<kmad> a ball was hit over to them, so I ran over to pick it up
<kmad> the kid asks me, "How did you get so good at tennis??"
<kmad> I think for a second, try to hold back a grin
<kmad> "Drugs."
<kmad> The mom gave me a big old FUCK YOU and stormed off with her kid

<andy> I wish I worked 22/7, then I could say I worked the pi shift.

[Aonghus]

XD That last one is classic.

[Tom]

<CompGod> If crime doesn't pay, is my job illegal?

<Cardo> I reckon they should keep making Jackass shows
<Shady> yer
<Cardo> That way we can use Darwin as a turbine while he spins in his grave
<Shady> lol

<prepared>Theorem: All numbers are equal.
<prepared>Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
<prepared>a + b = t
<prepared>(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
<prepared>a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
<prepared>a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
<prepared>a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
<prepared>(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
<prepared>a - t/2 = b - t/2
<prepared>a = b
<prepared>So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.

[Diarmuid]

Apr 22, 2009 11:41:55 GMT Tom said:

<prepared>Theorem: All numbers are equal.
<prepared>Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
<prepared>a + b = t
<prepared>(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
<prepared>a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
<prepared>a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
<prepared>a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
<prepared>(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
<prepared>a - t/2 = b - t/2
<prepared>a = b
<prepared>So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.

And by that logic:

-2^2 = 2^2 = 4
therefore -2 = 2

OHMYGODAGGGHHH!!!!

(As in, the prerequisite for that being true is that a and b are the same, in which case... oh never mind, I'll go away now...).

[Tom]

I know it doesn't make sense, but I like the idea of some internet n00b proving all maths to be completely redundant, making us seriously rethink everything we previously held to be true.

<@jon^D> I used to pop on IRC at 13:37 for the pure novelty of it
<@jon^D> and I'm not a loser

<AwwJeah> I want to fill a super soaker with cheap vodka and spray down other drivers.
<AwwJeah> Then call the police and tell them I think they're driving drunk.
<AwwJeah> Because, seriously, who would believe that story?

<liquidhex> ascii a stupid question, get a stupid ansii

[Aonghus]

Dónal: Yeah, Brue Sprinsteen isn't bad; he has about 3 good songs...
Diarmuid: DÓNAL! ARE YE TAKING THE SMEG?!